by KRISTIAN GRAVENOR

Some Montrealers can point to just about every second building and recall a fantastic lover they enjoyed at the location. Me, I can do the same thing, in a way, except that instead my stories are sad tales of stolen bicycles.

I've had bikes vanish on me all over this isle. And now that we're told that the pen is indeed mightier than the sword - reports have revealed that a Bic pen casing can open a U-lock - we can all look forward to our heartless bike thieves gleefully racking up their already bountiful bike harvest.

I lost my bike-theft victim virginity at age nine, when I disembarked the banana seat and dropped my Schwinn down at 227 Westminster, never to see it again. The experience was shattering. To paraphrase Dylan Thomas, after the first bike loss, there is no other.

Since then I had a gorgeous 21-gear hybrid taken from Stanley. Another beaut got swiped from in front of Bell Canada, where the security camera wasn't aimed properly, so the thief got away, big surprise. (Note to architects - try including bike parking spaces inside your future buildings).

I reverted to downscale bikes that I figured self-respecting bike thieves would snub. Wrong again. The first disappeared from St-Urbain and Rachel, the next outside the video shop at St-Denis and Mont-Royal.

So I went with bikes where the wheel rubs against the brake and you need good shoes and a detailed plan if you intend to stop. Two of these, properly secured with fancy bike locks, vanished overnight in front of my front door.

Who steals these things? Aliens? Who would be so mean, pathetic, not to mention stupid, to risk jail or a beating for a rusty old bike with wheels falling off?

Of course the big fantasy is to catch one of these douchebags. Because police don't do it much: in 2002, Montrealers reported 3,100 bikes stolen, 3,300 last year and we're up to 2,500 this year already. So the 32-month score is roughly: Thieves 8,900 Police 0.

At bedtime I get my wife to tell me the story of a friend who recovered his bicycle and beat up its attempted thief in NDG Park. Such vigilantism might be wrong, but seems almost morally legitimate in the face of police indifference.

Bike thieves should be pursued. Their arrest should be prioritized because their crimes target have-nots. Their mug shots should go on the cover of Photo Police.

Stealing cars at least seems purposeful. The Bic-pen equivalent for cars is said to be a tennis ball with a small straw stuffed into a slit. You use it to squeeze air into the door locks, which pops them open. I watched a kid try this recently at Décarie and Côte-St-Antoine. It didn't work. The little goof then outsprinted a cop.

I've immunized myself to bike theft by switching to rollerblades. Plus, you can skate inside. Shoppies don't generally kick you out. If they mention it, just promise never to do it again. Then do it again. Or tell them that if they allow wheelchairs, they have to allow rollerblades. This confusing line of argument distracts them.

Rollerblades are dangerous but bicycles are far more so, for bikes can break your bones, but they're more likely to break your heart.

Switch the beast: Gorbachev once described his economic dilemma thusly: "Mitterand has 100 mistresses and one of them has AIDS. Thatcher has 100 assistants and one of them is a spy. I have 100 economists and one of them has the solution to Russia's economy."

Well, Canada has 100 majestic animals but only one of them can be our national beast. Yes, beavers are industrious rodents whose dams help our river systems. But it's time to oust him. As hats they're unpopular. Their homes force you to portage. And the term has become a risible vaginal reference. After much consideration, I propose that our most justified animals are the polar bear and the musk ox.

Comments? kgravy@openface.ca