by ALICE AND YANKA

Dry brains are upon us. The farm is calling loud. Meeeeuh. But no wheels means dying in the city and procrastinating. Yanka, remember when we used to ride horses at summer camp? They all had bad breath and huge black eyes. Why don't you ever take me horseback riding anymore, hein?! It's too hard on the prostate, Alice, and de toute manière, I'd rather be on Ontario Street with all my wino friends. Viens t'en au Cheval Blanc.

The floor is infinitely speckled and cold, and le happy hour du mardi brings a nice kebab of manly specimens to the bar, including Robert, whose very last, loud words into his cell phone before hanging up with great extravagance are: "Si tu veux m'parler, prends rendez-vous." Mouin, ça commence mal. But he's great free entertainment, bellowing to the stoïque waiter: "André, nous mettrais-tu une bonne gigue?" then "Ne prends pas la parole d'un fou, mon homme!" His camisole is magnificently loose under the armpits and he does not walk, no, he glides back and forth across the floor. Un vrai beau grand drunk.

There's a blackboard on the wall, it's the beer menu. It changes often and the letters are big so même les taupes peuvent lire: Saison (pale ale à la coriande for now, "la meilleure icitte"), L'Abysse Cornue (très forte, sounds like it could turn someone into a cirrhosis), Blonde, Blanche, Rousse, Ambrée, Noire, Märzen, Épinette ("hmmmm, like chewing on a whole forest of ardent amore, une vraie winner," "arrrrk, ça goûte le savon, câlisse") et bla bla bla.

If you're on a liquid diet, quit your job right now because it's cheap en criss, surtout avant 20 heures, where 20 oz of fuzz are only $4. But les habitués d'la place know very well that for them to last all night and keep up the nervio (vigour in a bull), they must trick the brain and delicately layer the stomach with starch, sodium and something greasy as they gurgle booze.

Our neighbours' hot dog ($4) seems a bit dry and boring but they like it a lot. It's cut in half, lightly smeared with Dijon and shares its plate with a 1/4 pickle. It is not microwaved. Nacho trempette ($4) is 100 per cent unsalted chips with a bowl of salsa. That's it. The salsa is different every single time, from scrambled tomato soup to super-spicy chunky tomato marmalade. Watch vos gosiers. Nacho au fromage ($5) is a gargantuan stack of the same chips smothered in salsa, cheese and a heavy squirt of sour cream. On an average night, they succeed one another in the microwave like les soldats dans les tranchées, c'est nonstop.

André le serveur is exceptionally patient and answers every single question like a good mom, over and over again, happy hour after happy hour. He's a vegetarian. Because he has diastema and we want to have a pyjama party in his hair, we're vegetarian too and eat le panini feta & spinach. It's crispy. And warm. Someone says it's too salty and too dry, but eats the whole thing in five seconds and the half pickle it comes with aussi. Ah oui, dismembered pickles are omnipresent here but if you fancy a whole one, it's $2.50. Pourquoi, donc? André? Aaaandré?

But André is busy dimming the lights. And dimming. And dimming. The mix of dirty pickles, salsa and bières over André's tango with the lights swiftly bring out the red and the madness dans l'bar, c'est rouge partout, tout est exacerbé par le manque de lumière, candlelit glassy pints, lamps, clock on the wall, velvet curtains. "Je veux m'y draper," screams our friend Geneviève. "Je suis une booooooooule de sensations." Ça va être une belle soirée…

Quessé qui s'passe? cheapmotel@hotmail.com

La Taverne du Cheval Blanc
ADDRESS: 809 Ontario E.
PHONE: 522-0211
PRICES: Solid: nothing over $5.
Liquid: before 8 p.m., pints are $4. After 8, it's $5.
HOURS: 3 p.m.–3 a.m. except Sunday, 5 p.m.–3 a.m.
BEST FEATURES: L'urinoir
CLIENTELE: 92% male but exceedingly women friendly
CIGARETTES: Oui! $8.50 a pack at the bar
ALCOHOL: Oui! Beer, hydromel, porto, calvados,
cidre mystique, alouette
WHEELCHAIR ACCESS: No problem but bathroom is very small
CARDS: Interac and cash
NO-SMOKING SECTION: Smoke everywhere, all the time
RATING: 5 whole pickles out of 5