Dear Sasha: My three-year-old open relationship is in crisis. The terms we (with difficulty) negotiated for our polyamoury specified different behaviour for the two of us, based on our different personal psychologies, including his residual Catholicism. He didn't want to hear/know about my extra-curricular activities as long as I was being safe, and I wanted to hear everything about his.

I find hearing about my lover's sexual adventures titillating, an exciting way to be emotionally close to each other. For whatever reasons (contentment, laziness), I have yet to make use of this freedom, but still insist on having it. He has, but always shared the information only after prodding on my part - far from the spirit of our agreement, but at least following the letter of it.

The crisis arose because he accidentally let slip that he has had other sexual encounters besides the ones he has grudgingly told me about, and this pisses me off. All of a sudden, what I thought was a relatively healthy and honest relationship turns out to be a run-of-the-mill deceitful one, in which I am the cuckold. I feel like the trust I have invested in him has been betrayed, which leaves me feeling lost, empty and ashamed. To me, this guy had the best possible situation a highly sexed heterosexual man could ask for, and he screwed up. » Polyamoury Sucks Sometimes

Dear Poly,
I think people sometimes romanticize the communication aspect of non-monogamy. They feel because they've been brutally open, and negotiated fair and generous parameters, they are immune to someone deceiving them. What you already seem to know is that every relationship is about compromise. No matter what your arrangement, you are still imposing your will on someone, and vice versa. Some people - say, for example, certain sexually incontinent recovering Catholics - just don't take well to compromise, no matter how much or how little. They want control, not concession. As George Bush demonstrates repeatedly, that kind of power requires lying. Lots of it.

You were probably quite proud because you believed you orchestrated something evolved and mutually beneficial, so naturally, you're feeling indignant. Here you are, this righteous babe: sexually adventurous, communicative, and you still got burned. But getting what you both wanted out of this with some ground rules was obviously never your boyfriend's goal, and you have been compromising on these rules from the beginning. To me, the minute you say to yourself, "This was an ideal situation for this type of person, and they still fucked it up," you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Your ideals were never truly upheld, why are his so important? Because not fulfilling them, even though you did your damn best, makes you feel inadequate. Here is a mantra, just for you: "Don't judge your effort by the standards of those who make little, and have few."

Dear Sasha: Due to her new job, my lady friend has to travel a lot. She recently bought me a very nice Cyberskin artificial vagina to use while she was away. I've tried it several times, with lube, but am not experiencing the lifelike feel they say I should. Do you have any suggestions to help me feel the realistic slippery softness of the real thing? » LR

Dear LR,
You are really dealing with something that is more death-like than life-like, so how do you make it more the latter? Some suggestions:

First, warm the item before using it. Do not boil it, it will disintegrate. Cyberskin is a very weird material. I suspect it's made from a boiled petroleum byproduct and puppy bellies, but the company that manufactures it will not release a list of components. As such, I would stick with water-based lubricants too.

And second, check out some of the other models. Perhaps your lady friend (God I love that expression. I feel like I'm Jerry Doucette's date for the 1978 Junos when I hear it) bought you one that is simply not compatible with your type of penis. The Fleshlight (available at www.veneztelsquels.com) also has a ribbed model that may just work wonders.

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