F In response to the question about body parts of local musicians that we should be afraid of, I would say [names singer in local industrial-metal band]'s COCK. It's been in my pussy and it's been in many pussies that I've seen, and I'll tell you, it hurt. Size matters in that if it's too long and you don't know how to use it, it can hurt a girl. Like, please be careful with that thing. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, if you ask me, out of the whole Montreal music scene, whose body part most scares me, I'd have to say Sam Roberts' FACIAL HAIR. He really needs to keep that stuff trimmed, man. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, if there's a body part to fear, it's gotta be that sweaty nasty GUT Darren from Jaded has been swinging around. As if just listening to his voice wasn't bad enough, now I have to deal with him dripping bodily fluids on the crowd that just wants Jaded's set to end. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, Bily Kun here. Last Saturday night some of our very intelligent customers ripped one of our OSTRICH HEADS off the wall and ran out of the backdoor. We know it's September, and everybody's a bit excited, but stealing an ostrich head?! If you have seen anybody running around with an ostrich head, please let us know at 845-5392 or 845-3855. If you, the robber, read this and are overwhelmed by guilt, please put the head in a plastic bag and put it gently in front of the backdoor you escaped through. We miss Stan a lot! [BLEEP!]

M Hello. I found the CUIR DIMITRI SIGN! They took it down from the corner of Parc and Van Horne and I found it and I was the happiest person in the world. I hid it around the corner and I thought that I'd found the answer to the universe and I was jumping up and down. But then I came back after my choir rehearsal and discover someone took my Cuir Dimitri sign. So please, anybody, if you took it, I will pay you money for it! Please tell me that you found it and we'll meet and I can buy it from you. Please. For the love of God! Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I'm just calling to say that there's absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumour that the city's going to paint over the Under Pressure wall. Under Pressure's been sponsored by the City of Montreal for many years now - they're unbelievably supportive of what we do. The walls are also private property, not city property, and we're given permission by the building owners to paint their walls. Also, on behalf of all of the organizers of Under Pressure, we'd like to thank the volunteers who make the event happen. Without you, there would be no Under Pressure. Thanks for keeping this thing alive. [BLEEP!]

M I'd just like to say to the motherfucker who started all of this shit with M39. It's good weed. What the fuck? We grow it, before anything, to make a PROFIT. So shut the fuck up. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M This is Boris from the Marijuana Party and I just had to reply to this big issue about M39. The fact is M39 is not really bad pot. I've been on the POT SCENE for a while and, perhaps, one could argue that I don't know what I'm talking about, but it's fine quality. The only problem with M39 is that it's everywhere and it's like if all you could buy at the dépanneur was Merlot wine and none of the other kinds, well, you might get sick of it. So, yeah, we do need variety and if you wanna try variety, then why don't you come down to the Marijuana Foundation seed store on Rachel at the corner of St-Laurent. We have all sorts of varieties you can try. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M Anyone who needs a weapon or his friends to settle a one-on-one dispute is a coward. [BLEEP!]

F This is for all you losers wearing FEDORAS. Listen, if you're gonna copycat my style, that's all right. But I spent two years to get this damned hat and now you guys disrespect it. When you walk into a place, you take off your fucking hat. When you meet a woman, you take off your hat. It's not just a piece of clothing you wear, it's a sign of respect. That's why there are hats - to separate you from the heavens. Show some respect. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the person who was wondering about guys whacking it in department stores and other public bathrooms. Obviously, the reason they do go to public bathrooms outside the Village is because they're too closeted to openly solicit MAN SEX. So, obviously, they would never go to the Village because we're a bunch of homos down here and they don't identify with homos - but that's what they fucking are. So realistically, they should come out already and look for man sex the way they're supposed to, the way that I do and the way that all of the other queers in the Village do! [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum